Dr Peter Hollingworth has apologised on behalf of the Anglican church to a generation of children who grew up forced to listen to acoustic guitar players singing cool soft rock gospel songs.
Speaking to the Royal Commission into Born Again Bearded Hippies, the former archbishop of Brisbane admitted the church fell down in its duty of care to prevent young ears being assaulted by singalongs of “I’ve Been Redeemed” and “They’ll Know We Are Christians By Our Love”.
“The first time happened late at night during a church camp when most of the other kids had gone to bed,” said victim Saul Plectrum. “It was just me and Glenn the cool youth worker sitting around the fire when he sat down next to me and pulled out an acoustic guitar and started playing “It Only Takes A Spark To Get Fire Going” and encouraging me to join in.”
“Glenn the cool youth worker invited me to come and see him in the rectory after fellowship,” sobbed Bible study group member Rebecca Fretboard. “He offered me some chips and then he played the entire first side of ‘Jonah Man Jazz’ on his cassette player. After that I understood why all the other girls never wanted to be alone with him if they saw him carrying his automatic guitar tuner and a capo.”
“I feel personally responsible for every child within my care who can’t hear ‘God Told Noah There’s Going To Be A Floody Floody’ without having flashbacks to doing all the actions,” said as repentant Reverend Hollingworth. “My actions in allowing children as young as seven to sit cross legged on the floor of a draughty church hall and clap along to ‘Joshua Fought The Battle Of Jericho’ were misguided, wrong and a serious error of judgement.”
Glenn the cool youth worker is no longer employed by the church.