Mark Latham has led a call for Valentine’s Day to be moved to the dead of winter saying the current summery date makes it a day of mourning for Australia’s fuglies.
“Valentine’s Day is not a day of celebration for people like myself with heads like a tissue that’s been through the wash and the personality of an elevator fart,” said Mr Latham on his show Outsiders. “At least if we change the date to sometime cold and wet in the middle of July it’ll stuff up all those smug couples having picnics in the park.”
“We see Cupid as a villainous figure who reminds us that we spend February 14th confined to our lounge watching Love Actually with a big pile of hankies,” said long time undateable Valmai Thrip of Singleton. “We demand a change to the inscription on the cards that come attached to those giant oversized teddy bears, saying that people with faces like a stale rock cake have a right to secret admirers too.”
Meanwhile the Australian parliament has called a special session to find a new public holiday to give Australians something to argue about between Valentine’s Day and Easter.
“The period from the middle of February to the middle of March has always been a flat spot on the calendar with nothing to make drunk uncles fly into spittle flecked rages,” said Malcolm Turnbull. “Plus the owners of two dollar shops face financial hardship during that time as they have no reason to stock their shelves with worthless tat for a whole month.”