It’s been revealed that God has set aside specific time to answer the prayers of athletes competing at the upcoming Commonwealth games.
This has meant he will have to put other requests on hold, such as those in off-shore detention, cancer victims and even Cardinal Pell. The increase in athletes praying before events has God rather overwhelmed.
“To be quite honest”, said the Lord Mighty himself: “it’s almost a full-time gig. All these superstars, all wanting a bit of ‘holy intervention’ on the field or in the pool… it’s pretty full on”.
The Pope, God’s human secretary, even said that in 2016 during the Olympics, it was a wonder that there were any other prayers answered.
“Oh, He was inundated. Every day it was ‘help me win this, ‘help me win that’, and ‘please smite that pagan’. I was almost concerned that The Lord was at breaking point”.
God has often thought about easing the workload, but doesn’t think that Jesus is quite ready to take over the family business, indicating he needs a little more time to grow into the role.
Churches have begun to implore sports men and women to only pray for assistance during big clashes, and to free up the line for other areas of divine intervention.
You can check out our new show Decennium Horribilius at this year’s Sydney Comedy Festival. Hosted by The (un)Australian, the quiz show features teams of some of Sydney’s best comics trying to answer questions about the decade of the 1990s — with prizes for the audience.
Saturday May 5, 5.30pm. The Factory Theatre. Book tickets here.