Days after his detention in Sydney for failing to clear customs, Santa Claus has been transferred to Christmas Island as the government processes his visa application and decides what to do with the iconic figure.
The previously decommissioned site has become a detainment centre for one, after there were the concerns of Santa and his proximity to children on Nauru.
Addressing the media, Prime Minister Scott Morrison told of his concern in managing the situation. “We didn’t wish to introduce Santa to Nauru as we have the well being and safety of these incarcerated children as our highest priority.”
The Santa saga continued after one of the submitted documents contained a spelling mistake, stating the jolly fat man’s name as “Satan”. During the confusion, Cardinal Pell was quickly moved into protective custody.
Barnaby Joyce has chimed in, saying this was the Johnny Depp saga all over again. In a tweet he said that “Santa should be in a cell with Pistol and Boo”, and that, “Christmas is a time for family/families, not refugees”.
As Christmas draws ever closer, global leaders are applying pressure for Australia to rectify the situation, concerned on the implication it may have on their states.
“I’ve been tremendous this year. I’ve asked Santa for a new long range missile system and satellite targeting. Australia better not fuck this up!” stated Kim Jong Un. The White House responded, saying there was no way that “very very very bad man” was on the nice list.
More to come.