Embarrassed troopers have admitted they released the notorious Ned Kelly gang from captivity after being fooled into thinking they were a group of baristas on their way to open a pop-up cafe in Glenrowan.
“They all had big bushy beards just like in the posters but explained that they were hanging around the bank because they wanted to go see the manager about getting a loan to start a craft brewery,” Victorian troopers spokesperson Constable James Poshtwit told a press conference. “Ned then whipped me up a tasty sourdough damper on the campfire and a billy of Japanese matcha tea.”
“They were carrying a large metal object with a slot cut into it that Ned told us was a cappuccino machine,” Constable Edward Bullyboy confirmed to The (un)Australian. “We apologised profusely and let them go as they said they were already late for an appointment with Sidney Nolan to have their portraits done for their Facebook profile.”
Gang leader Ned Kelly released a statement saying he was confident that heavy armour covering his head was all he needed because he believed that troopers were too stupid to ever think of aiming for his legs.
[This article first appeared in The (un)Australian on August 11, 1879. It is reproduced as part of a historical series looking back on early (un)Australian articles.]
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