Column: Alan Jones’ Guide To Being A Cook

Having hired Mark Latham our culinary columnist, then fired him that afternoon, The (un)Australian has found his replacement in Latham’s just published cookbook co-author and friend, radio broadcaster Alan Jones.

Even though I am a very busy man and a very important person, I know the value of sitting down to a good home cooked meal. Over the years I have picked up many recipes and I enjoy nothing more than sitting back in the kitchen and bellowing instructions to my butler on how to cook them.

For the readers today I am going to teach you how to cook a dish that I came up with called ‘a Non-halal Snack Pack’. It is not to be confused with an ‘Halal Snack Pack’. That is an abomination that I think we can all agree has caused nothing but trouble for the people of Australia.

The first step in the cooking process is to have your butler fetch you a glass of wine, I usually start out with a nice fruity Shiraz. It is important that once you pick a wine you stick with it. As the meal is red meat it is imperative to stick with a red wine. Save the white wine for white meat, like for instance when you are having a former premier over for a dish of crow.

Once the wine is sorted, then tell butler to make you a non-halal snack pack. This usually takes butler around 20 minutes, or a glass and a half of Shiraz.

I recommend serving your non-halal snack pack on a Royal Doulton dinner set and it is best eaten with a pewter knife and fork. Gold plated cutlery diminish the flavour somewhat.

So there you have it a simple meal that your butler can whip up in a short amount of time.  Join me next week when I give you my guide to deserts, everything from spotted dick to sticky date

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Categories: Opinion

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