Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott has today announced that three government ministers are no longer Australian citizens. In a statement to Parliament Mr Abbott announced that Malcolm Turnbull and Julie Bishop were ‘the worst sort of terrorists, wreckers and fifth columnists the cabinet had ever seen.’ When referring to the Belgian born Minister of Finance Mathias Cormann, Mr Abbott said that ‘while Mathias has been economically sound and as loyal as a Belgian can be, he has spread the mantra of budget cuts in a stupid German accent thereby diluting the climate of fear we had hoped to instill in people everywhere. As a result all three have been stripped of their Australian citizenship.’
The Minister for Border Protection Peter Dutton spoke with The unAustralian after the announcement was made. He told us the plan makes perfect sense to him and his plans for promotion to Treasurer ‘Everyone knows that Tony knows what’s what. When people set out to destabilise the government for purely personal reasons like adherence to the rule of law then in the name of Australia they need to be stopped. Tony is the government. He was born in London where things are awesome and British and anyone can get a knighthood without everyone else getting upset. Malcolm wants to be PM, he should go buy a small island. Julie wants to be PM but she’s just a girl. Mathias is great but nobody can understand a word he says.’
In the House Mr Abbott made what he said was a most important point. ‘Cabinet is a lot like the nation. Everyone is welcome to join it as long as they don’t try and destabilise it, don’t disagree with my short term political goals and are basically white bread. We let a few women and Belgians in to mollify those on social media but they should not make the mistake of thinking they can do as they like and be real Australians.’
Damien Ryan writes on politics for The unAustralian. He numbers every box below the line.