In a disturbing event, around 10:00am (AEDT) on Monday morning, editors, journalists, and commentators across the country were struck down by unexplained simultaneous orgasms.
While information is still limited, what has emerged so far is that it happened without warning and with most victims not in direct contact.
“It was weird,” said one Daily Telegraph reporter who wished to remain anonymous. “One minute we’re all just going about our business, then next thing you know the entire newsroom were doubled up or on the floor.
“Some of the old hands have told stories of something like this happening ages ago – like back in 2001 or 2002 or something – but to be honest, I’d never really believed them. It just seemed so implausible, that something happening so long ago could be relevant or interesting or newsworthy. But you can bet I’ll be tweeting about that now as soon as I’m out of here.”
Initial speculation pointed to Treasurer Joe Hockey’s impending MYEFO release as the cause. However this was soon ruled out by Joe Hockey’s actual MYEFO release.
Worryingly, it has subsequently emerged that Tony Abbott, Scott Morrison, Julie Bishop, George Brandis, and Rupert Murdoch were all also afflicted under similar circumstances. And Bill Shorten addressed a hastily called a press conference where he asserted that he had also had an orgasm, and that it had predated and was better than the prime minister’s.
Suggestions the incident may have been linked to the terrible and tragic hostage situation in Sydney that began at around the same time drew an angry response from noted civil libertarian, Piers Akerman.
Writing in The Daily Telegraph, he said: “It is beyond reckless to be reporting such things or implying links when there simply is no clear evidence. Journalism is based on reasoned reporting backed by facts, not wild speculation and hyperbole pandering to baseless prejudice. That sort of thing can do enormous harm to whole communities and to society in general.”
These sentiments were later echoed in separate statements by Tony Abbott, Andrew Bolt, and Miranda Devine, with the Prime Minister urging calm and warning against people jumping to conclusions or attempting to use the situation for political gain.
Leslie Richmond
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