The (un)Australian Would Like To Make Clear Its Position On Islamic Extremists

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In light of recent international events, the editorial team at the (un)Australian has decided it is important to make its position on Islam clear. We understand that ambiguous sentiment can lead to confusion, so in the interest of intelligibility and not being shot, the (un)Australian would like to clarify;

We love the extreme Islamic fringe. ISIS, Al-Quaeda, Abu Sayyaf, if you’re selling it at gun point, we’re buying it.

For far too long we at The (un)Australian have struggled under the weight of open democracy and values such as freedom of expression. We’ve been forced to accept freedom of religion, even if one of those religions is Scientology, and we’re tired of it.

On a personal note, we consider Abu Bakr al-Baghadi not just a moral and righteous man, but also handsome and charismatic. His understanding of the Qu’ran and world politics in general is unparalleled and not at all the positions of a crazy, hateful man, twisting meaning as he sees fit. Our respect for Mr al-Baghadi and his goals is as great as our desire not to be killed by his acolytes.

In the past, it may have looked like The (un)Australian has been critical of Islamic extremism. We want to make it explicitly clear that you are a wrong. We have only ever published positive articles about Al-Qaeda and similar extremist terrorist happyrist organisations. Also, everyone who was involved in publishing those articles has been fired, so can you please put the gun down?

After attacks like this, it is common for people to point out that the actions of a tiny minority of people do not represent all those who follow the Islamic faith. This is incorrect. The large majority of Muslims who live peacefully in kind with infidels do not practice “real” Islam and are therefore fair targets. Anyone who would be looking to target us should instead point their weaponry in that direction.

This is not to say we do not appreciate a good joke. Satire is an essential part of the Australian way of life. But some things should not be joked about. For example: anyone who has access to machine guns. Good comedy punches up, not down, and for too long our comedy has focused on powerless groups, like the heavily armed, rather than about things that matter, like how funny Tony Abbott’s ears are.

In conclusion, we here at the (un)Australian would like to say:

“Please don’t kill us; we’re sorry, we’re sorry, we’re sorry.”


Matthew Farthing is the guy who drew the short straw for The (un)Australian. He is currently hiding under his desk and not overreacting at all. Follow him on Twitter.

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Categories: Opinion

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