Hipster With High Blood Pressure Forced To Eat Unsalted Caramel

hipster cafe

Surry Hills barista Herman Beardo has had to put himself on a diet of unsalted caramel after his doctor diagnosed him with hypertension.

“To be honest I can’t tell the difference between salted and unsalted caramel but I’d much rather be seen ordering the salted variety when I’m ordering a caramel slice at my local cafe”, said ukelele player and keen scooterist Beardo. “I recently visited the doctor after cutting my lip on an old jam jar I was drinking my coffee from and as part of the check up he whacked the sphygmotonometer around my arm and found my blood pressure was going through the roof.”

The blood pressure finding is the latest health disappointment for Beardo who also recently found out that he was perfectly gluten tolerant.

“Gluten has no ill effect on me at all, which is a real downer”, said Beardo. “It means I can’t make a big fuss about ingredients when I’m ordering food at a restaurant with my unhip friends. And I’m chia intolerant, which means if I eat gluten free food I fall dangerously ill.”

Recent routine pathology tests performed after Beardo fell off a milking stool in his local cafe revealed his liver is unable to produce the enzyme CYP1A2, rendering him acutely sensitive to caffeine.

“You know how hard it is to find a decaf variety of those coffee beans that have to be passed through the digestive system of a civet cat”, wailed Beardo.

 Peter Green



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Categories: News

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