Hockey So Shocked By Corruption Charge He Could Not Complete Quid Pro Quo

The treasurer wants a conversation with the nation about the costs of immortality.

Federal Treasurer Joe Hockey has told a Federal Court that he was so shocked by the Sydney Morning Herald’s “Treasurer For Sale” headline that he could not complete the private meeting a business elite had donated tens of thousands of dollars to have access to.

“My stars! The outrage! The libel!” Mr Hockey exclaimed during the trial, before cooling himself off with a hand fan.

Mr Hockey is suing Fairfax Media for defamation, claiming the series was just ‘petty spite’ as printing the news had never been on Fairfax’s agenda before.

The Sydney Morning Herald  published a series of articles in May of last year, highlighting how wealthy individuals could purchase membership to the North Sydney Forum (run by the North Sydney Federal Electoral Conference, an incorporated entity of the Liberal Party) in which they would be rewarded with ‘VIP’ meetings with Mr Hockey. Yearly memberships could run up to $22,000, or 10 crates of hand fans.

“Upon reading the headline my reading monocle could not remain affixed to my eye” Mr Hockey told the court.

“Thank goodness the sweet Lady Babbage was there to catch me as I fainted thusward.  My morning’s mimosa spilled all upon my white linen suit.”

Mr Hockey told the court that as a direct result of the article’s accusations of corruption, the Treasurer could not complete a private ‘VIP’ meeting with a member of the North Sydney Forum. The cancellation had angered the member as he had donated a lot of money to the Liberal Party in exchange for the meeting.

However, member for Northern Sydney told the court that he was most concerned on behalf of his parents;

“When a man leaves public service, he leaves with only his name. My legacy as the bumbling treasurer whose failed budget destroyed the reputation of the federal Liberal Party has now been tarnished by Fairfax’s accusations.”

Matthew Farthing is the political reporter for The (un)Australian. He once arranged a private meeting with Chris Bowen in exchange for $10 and a packet of Juicy Fruit.

https://twitter.com/MattJFarthing

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