The CSIRO says it has developed a new vaccine which destroys the bacteria responsible for otherwise sentient beings becoming incapable of reason. The scientific breakthrough will have the potential to eradicate numerous palpable threats to humankind, notable among them the so called “anti-vax” community.
Scientists began researching the cause of the phenomenon after worrying statistics from all the nation’s health authorities showed a spike in deaths from diseases previously thought to be on the verge of extinction. The seven-year study revealed a correlation between parents who were against vaccines or “anti-vax” and parents who had come into contact with contaminated sandalwood joss sticks. “Of course correlation doesn’t equal causation” cautioned chief scientist Ian Chubb, but it was too late – several “anti-sands” groups sprang up in Lismore before he finished his sentence and Melbourne’s Moreland City Council is currently fielding enquiries about meeting rooms for various chapters of the Morelanders Resisting Sandalwood Association (MRSA).
Incense sales have plummeted in most Indian grocers, dodgy tobacconists and those shops that sell butterfly dream catchers and tie-dyed purple mumus to people who still wear Doc Martens. Retailers are hoping they can make up sales with cinnamon and lavender flavours which have been proven to be a completely safe if inspid choice. Shops selling nice soaps and candles with their joss sticks have seen no change to sales of sandalwood products at all but are advising pregnant customers of the risks with elegant handwritten cards just in case.
Not everyone is pleased with the CSIRO’s breakthrough however, with growing fears the vaccine could have unintended consequences. Telephone psychics, homeopaths and motivational speakers across the country have joined poker machine manufacturer Aristocrat Leisure in preparation for a class action against the peak scientific body in an effort to stymie the immunisation programme altogether and or recoup their losses.
The vaccine could even put the viability of entire NSW communities in jeopardy. Anti-Vax movements are so strong in Byron Bay, Jervis Bay and Mosman that demographers warn they could be wiped out quicker than whooping cough.
Political strategists are also spooked. Freelance spin-doctor Tom Sydenham has told The (un) Australian the bacterium targeted by the vaccine could lead to a drop off in support for the anti-halal campaign championed by Jacqui Lambie and Pauline Hanson and could even destroy hope itself.
There is even more anxiety inside the federal government than usual with the growing realisation the vaccine could jettison the Prime Minister’s weak lift in the opinion polls. An hysterical National Party MP says it’s just a matter of time before the sky falls, “It’s not just the cuts to services that could be affected by this vaccine but our environment policies, the ludicrous amount we spend locking up asylum seekers – everything!”
Reality television, scripted television, Hollywood cinema, pop music, literature, art and what passes for contemporary debate in this country are all expected to rise exponentially once the immunisation program is implemented. Vaccinations of infants will begin as soon as stage one of the Porcine Aerodrome has been completed in Badgery’s Creek.