Despite clear night skies for Saturday’s total lunar eclipse, NSW South Coast residents had their viewing interrupted when a man lost his shit while trying to collapse a folding camping chair.

Dozens of camera tripods belonging to amateur astronomers were knocked off a headland as the 48 year-old man struggled to fold up his 2016 Aldi folding camping chair in the darkness of the eclipse. It is estimated that damage to camera equipment totaling $5,000 was done by the the man and his $24 chair.

Quick-thinking millennials at the scene posted ‘000’ on social media within seconds of the incident starting.  But police did not arrive until later, after a grown-up phoned the number and spoke with a helpful emergency services operator.

Police attempted to calm the man by applying capsicum spray to his face.  “It seemed to just made him angrier. We don’t understand why.”, a police spokesperson said.

The man was eventually soothed by an off-duty psychologist, Donnie Tyler, who repeatedly whispered to the man:

Turn around bright eyes

Turn around bright eyes

“I was trained to deal with these Total Eclipse situations back in the 1980’s”, Tyler later explained. “I knew what to do as soon as I saw him throwing the chair around and yelling  ‘I don’t know what to do. I’m always in the dark.

We’re living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.’ “

The man was later released on bail.  His lawyer read a statement on his behalf:

Once upon a time I was falling in love [with Aldi Special Buys]

Now they’re only falling apart

And there’s nothing [more] I can say

Total Eclipse of the Heart

As at mid-morning today, Police Rescue, SES and SAS crews at the scene were unable to fold up the chair.  It’s an experience described by many, including prominent astrophysicists.

“The 2016 Aldi camping chair design exploits a loophole in conventional physics, making it impossible to fold up.”, said Ian Hobby of the Astronomical Society. “The camping chair is our best  evidence of an ever-expanding universe.”, he went on and on to explain. “Almost everything  in the universe will eventually shrink down to the size of a single grain of sand. But that grain of sand will be orbited at a great distance by ‘folding’ camping chairs.  Even further out there will be a large belt of ‘collapsible’ beach tents.”

Scientists are now pointing to other anomalies in the space-time continuum that are observable only at Aldi. “We still don’t understand how an Aldi checkout operator can scan 700 items in less time than it takes a Woollies checkout operator to figure out how to open a single re-usable shopping bag.”, Hobby said. “And that’s despite Aldi having conveyor belts of a length that is theoretically impossible on earth.”

Dean Jackson

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