Sadistic Woollies Shopper Reckons 15c Is A Bargain For Chance To Choke A Dolphin To Death


A thrifty psychopathic Woolworths shopper with a pathological hatred of dolphins believes that a 15 cent plastic bag that he has found is the bargain of a lifetime.

“The last time I choked a dolphin in person I had to hire a boat and a crew and battle a heavy sea just to get close enough to spray some expanding electrician’s foam down its blowhole,” said Caringbah dolphin hater Sandy Ricks. “But thanks to Woollies I can dispatch one of those dead-eyed driftnet tearing flipper waving bastards for the cost of a sauce sachet. And I don’t even have to get seasick. Bonza.”

Ricks may be tempted to start shopping at Coles now that the retail giant has back tracked on its own policy and started offering free plastic bags. “FREE!!!. Whacko, now I can really do some serious damage to those tuna breathed sonar clicking aquatic show ponies,” said an elated Ricks. “Aldi had better come to the party and start giving away some plastic. Admittedly they did have some pretty neat looking dolphin whacking clubs for sale in the middle aisle last time I was there.”

Woolworths will continue to charge 15c for a plastic bag, citing positive feedback from dolphin hating customers very satisfied with the resemblance between the green Woolies bag and a jellyfish.

Peter Green

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Categories: Science

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