Australians Put On Brave Face, Throw Party For Dying Music Industry

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We’ve heard such feel-good stories before. Turning San Francisco into “Gotham” so a kid with leukemia can be “Batkid” for a day, or a kid with half a heart getting to fist bump John Cena.

But perhaps the most heart-warming story yet took place last night at the Star Event Centre where Australians pulled together to grant the dying wish of a terminally ill music industry.

With all the usual glitz and glamour, international A-list celebrities and even a live telecast despite having nothing worth airing, the Australian Recording Industry of Australia (ARIA) was given a “night of nights” as if it were a real entertainment industry.

In a true testament to the human spirit, the numbers of people willing to grant this dying industry its wish was truly breathtaking. With ordinary citizens “screaming” for Brisbane band Sheppard, Katy Perry presenting, One Direction performing,and even journalists writing fake articles about Chet Faker being an “exciting new artist”, all pitched in to give this moribund industry just one memorable night.

Everyone involved managed to put on a brave face and keep their spirits high, in spite of all the visible evidence showing just how close to death the ARIA clearly is.

Showing symptoms of Stage IV Unimportance, with Sia not turning up to the award ceremony, and Stage V Irrelevance by awarding Chet Faker best independent release for his album Built on Glass, it was clear to everyone present that death may just be a matter of months away.

Doctors are not optimistic about the ARIA’s chance of recovery. While recognising they may never be able to entirely cure the industry, Dr Kevin Nguyen and Dr Kate Smith from the University of Sydney believed they could give it an extra couple of years by creating exciting new bands for the industry to employ. Unfortunately, the result was DMAs, whose eponymous EP significantly shortened the life-span of Australian music.

Doctors now believe the best course of action is not to interfere as it could lead to another DMA or San Cisco, increasing the amount of pain the industry and its fans have to suffer in its miserable remaining moments.

“We need to make the industry’s final days as comfortable as possible,” Dr Smith stated.

Doctors advise that if you see the Australian music industry, don’t let its withering decline affect your disposition. Smile, hold its hand comforting and say; “You’re better than ever. I know you’ll pull through.”

Matthew Farthing

Follow The (un)Australian on Twitter and Facebook.

Categories: Arts

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