“Joe Hockey can get fucked,” said Santa Claus in a statement released from The North Pole today. It came after the treasurer told Australians: “Don’t let Santa down, go out there and spend for Christmas.”
Hockey said: “We want Australians to spend money … household consumption is actually one of the biggest drivers of economic growth.”
Santa responded: “That’s all very well, Joe, but did you ever stop to think there might be a few more people with more fucking cash to spend at Christmas if you hadn’t worked so hard to sack them, cut their benefits or try to make them pay more every goddamn time they fill up the cars you think they’re too poor to drive? And if they are too poor to drive, Joe, how the fuck are they gonna afford a brand new X-Box for me to shove down their chimney on Christmas Eve?
“This is just Economics 101 and it has global consequences! Your cuts to single parent payments alone have forced me to lay-off 300 elves in our Australian department, and they’ve got their own elvin families to feed!
“And while I appreciate the need for sustainable growth, what the fuck about the environmental consequences of all such endless consumerism? I can barely remember what ice looks like, and with temperatures rising at this rate, by the time next year’s Christmas cards come out, I’ll be wearing fucking Speedos! No one needs to see that!
“Seriously dude, you want to live in some make-believe fantasy world where you can cut people’s income then demand they spend more, fine. Just leave my name out of it.”