New South Wales goes to the polls tomorrow. There is much at stake, but no one could doubt that one topic, more than any other, has exercised the minds of NSW voters: there are too many goddamn elephants in Africa.
Most parties try to dodge the big issues facing this state, preferring to talk about “power privatisation” or “endemic corruption” or how “coal seam gas mining could fatally destroy our drinking water and make the entire state uninhabitable if allowed to go ahead unregulated”.
But only one party is willing and able to confront the key issue all parents in this state want resolved: the shooting dead of African elephants.
That party is the Shooters and Fishers Party.
Not content with a mere rhetorical commitment to meeting the needs of NSW families to have big game in Africa wiped out, Shooters and Fishers MLA Robert Borsak has personally gone on a hunting trip in northern Zimbabwe in which he shot and killed several elephants, including at least one bull elephant he “shot in the head from a distance of six paces”.
In an article entitled Bulls in the Rain, Mr Borsak wrote of that moment: “It was awesome. He did not know what had hit him.”
This is the leadership NSW needs, lest we be overrun by wild African elephants that have learned to swim long-distances and then marched across the Nullarbor to enter this state in overwhelming numbers.
Such a can-do attitude is entirely missing from so-called leaders like Mike “Tony Who” Baird or Luke “Even My Wife Barely Knows My Name” Foley, neither of whom have ever posed with dead endangered species they’ve shot through the head.
We know the Shooters and Fishers Party can get results. Its wins include allowing hunting in national parks, thus increasing the odds of bushwalkers being shot. And if there is one group on this planet more deserving of being shot than African elephants, it’s surely those smug bastards.
And yet in the current farce of a parliament, the Shooters and Fishers have a mere two seats in the NSW upper house. This must change.
After all, this is a parliament in which the lunatic Greens have no less than five upper house seats, and one in the lower house, and, as The (Un)Australian famously revealed in a hard-hitting exclusive expose, they want to ban sausage sizzles from polling stations in an attack on our very way of life.
If we had one suggestion for the Shooters and Fishers, it would be that, in order to strengthen their electoral appeal, they should strongly consider some celebrity candidates, such as former Australian fast bowler and famous shooter of African wildlife Glenn McGrath. It could only help the cause.
This election, we urge our readers to vote for the elephants you want to see shot dead.