A Sydney couple has made wedding arrangements for an estimated number of around 200 people to be in attendance as they ceremoniously shove their love down the throats of their friends and family.
The wedding is to be held in the beautiful Southern Highlands as no suburb closer to the city could possibly capture the symbolic serenity of a love that, in the couple’s own words, is so “uniquely pure”.
Damon James and Kelly Trinh briefly considered a city hall wedding, but concluded that their “special day” would be incomplete if they could not walk down the aisle while the most important people in their lives silently fumed at them.
“I know it’s a modern world and that a big wedding seems archaic when we can be annoying through cutesy Facebook statuses and overly-posed Instagram uploads, but ever since I was a little girl, I always dreamed of wearing that white dress and having the collective hatred of hundreds of people focused solely on my future husband and myself” the future Mrs James told The (un)Australian.
The wedding is set to be a tasteful occasion, held outdoors at the angelic Berrima Estates. Guests at the wedding will be able to take a stroll though the local winery, visit the famous “book barn”, and get way too drunk on the couple’s dime.
The couple decided that this year would be the best time to get married, as many of their own family and friends are going through relationship struggles, so this would allow for the largest number of people possible to have to suffer their love.
However they’re taking a risk by scheduling the wedding for December, as the best man, Steve Hughes, has been begging his wife to see a couple’s councilor and if she concedes, their disintegrating marriage may end up being stronger than ever by the time the ceremony rolls around.
To “inflict their love” on as many people as possible, Save The Date invitations have been sent well in advance of the wedding, making it so a certain (un)Australian reporter would have to be a real arsehole to say he won’t be able to attend.
This reporter notes that the invitations optimistically encourage recipients to “come celebrate the wedding” rather than the more accurate encouragement of “come celebrate the first wedding”.
Matthew Farthing is the social events reporter for The (un)Australian. He has covered everything from debutantes to galas to Moskultprogs.