Amid heightened tensions between Australia and Turkey, Turkish President Erdogan has vowed to stop any new invasion by Australia. In a statement from Ankara today a Turkish spokesman told the unAustralian “we don’t like Mr Abbott’s how do you say? snooty attitude. They way they carry on, doesn’t he know they lost before?”

Prime Minister Abbott gladly bought into the war of words. His spokeswoman told us he thinks this is a fight he can win. “Australia has always embraced our glorious disasters, now we can have a glorious victory!” Mr Abbott was short on detail but did say he was planning a glorious victory. “I am planning a glorious victory” he said before boarding his flight to Turkey. His spokeswoman was not sure what this glorious victory would entail but seemed to think it was something to do with boats. “It’s something to do with boats” she said,”lots and lots of boats. At Gallipoli 100 years ago they arrived in boats and there were lots of them, more boats than the Turks had even.”

President Erdogan responded by saying “we didn’t need no stupid boats, we were on land, we were stopping boats before Australia was stopping boats, we wrote the book on boat stopping. They left here with nothing but the shirts on their backs and a donkey.”

A key player in the ANZAC Day legend New Zealand Prime Minister John Key had, at the last minute, offered to mediate the dispute. In a search for common ground he had got both sides to agree it was about boats. “There are boats, lots of them, and apparently they need to be stopped. We just need to agree on who exactly is stopping them and when.”

In an unrelated story it was reported that men, women and children were dying in combat zones around the world every day. Lest We Forget

Damien Ryan writes on military affairs for the unAustralin. He doesn’t shoot till he sees the whites of their eyes.”

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Categories: World

Tags: The unAustralian, Tony Abbott