PM Urged To Quarantine Andrew Forrest’s Corporate Welfare Payments


Struggling miners Andrew Forrest and Nathan Tinkler should have their corporate welfare quarantined to ensure they don’t waste money frivolously, according to recommendations from the so-called “Big Two” miners, BHP Billiton and Rio Tinto.

Mr Forrest runs Fortescue Metals, which has been struggling ever since the price of iron ore fell from almost US$120 a ton in March 2014 to just under $40 in March 2015. Mr Forrest attributes the record lows to a deliberate strategy by the big players to oversupply the market and drive smaller operators out of business.

BHP Billiton spokeswoman Cassandra Collier said if Mr Forest spent less money dining out at expensive charity fundraisers and more money on prudent investments such as buying ministers, he might find life“a little more enjoyable” right now.

“Do you know how much they get in government subsidies? It’s a disgrace!” Ms Collier said. “There’s no point! You give them offices and they tear them down for firewood!”

Rio Tinto CEO Sam Walsh agrees. He says smaller players must work harder if they wish to enjoy the same rewards as bigger players and not waste their money on frippery. Echoing similar statements from Gina Rinehart, Mr Walsh told The (un)Australian sacrifices have to be made in order to achieve extreme wealth.

“For example, don’t smoke,” Mr Walsh said whilst lighting his cigar with the flaming leg of a seventeenth century French gaming table.

Small-time miners are routinely criticized for spending on luxuries instead of necessities but psychologists warn against dealing with the symptoms rather than the root causes. Corporate welfare advocate Barbara Bathgate says in Nathan Tinkler’s case, it is important to understand why the Newcastle coal miner bought both the Newcastle Knights and the Newcastle Jets.

Ms Bathgate said football’s governing bodies should immediately introduce a “no dickheads” policy to avoid it happening again in the short-term, but quarantining Mr Tinkler’s money was not the answer, “it will just lead to further inequality and stronger feelings of isolation,” she said.

Ms Bathgate said if the inequality between miners is allowed to grow, we can expect more and more mad ranting from Andrew Forest and the consequences of that would be even worse: “more Rinheart poetry”.

Tim Govers

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