Rebel Farmer Vows To Continue Selling Unpasteurised Cyanide


Despite concerns that it may harbour unhealthy bacteria a Tasmanian farmer will continue to defy the law and sell unpasteurised cyanide to his growing band of customers.

“Nothing tastes better than a nice mug of almondy cyanide fresh from the vine but these bureaucratic fat cats want to put an end to that”, said Melton Mowbray cyanide farmer Jethro Grod. “As long as housewives continue to demand raw cyanide to feed to their husbands and kids I’m prepared to supply it.”

Health department officials have raised concerns over the potential health risk of unpasteurised cyanide after it was implicated in the death of a British lord at a stately country house.

“I think we should hold off on saying that cyanide had anything to do with the death of Lord Digby Thrush-Pustule until Miss Marple concludes her investigation”, said Grod as he handed out samples of his cyanide, labelled for cosmetic use only, on the steps of parliament house in Hobart. “He could easily have died from eating a plate of arsenic that had been left out in the sun”.

Farmer Grod is currently suing the ABC program “The Checkout” for implying that his A2 Cyanide for people who are cyanide intolerant is “complete fucking bullshit”.

“Someone should investigate ‘The Checkout’ because they keep on incorrectly labeling themselves as a comedy program.”

Peter Green

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