The Islamic State of Iraq And Syria (ISIS) has issued a statement explaining it was abandoning all plans to pursue a Holy War against the United States of America on grounds “the Infidels are slaughtering each other at a far faster rate than we could ever hope to achieve.”
The statement came in the aftermath of last week’s mass shooting in Oregon, in which nine people were killed in the 298th documented mass shooting in the United States this year alone.
Speaking exclusively to The (un)Australian from an ISIS stronghold in northern Iraq, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi said even if the US sent ground troops into Syria, ISIS would probably not bother actually killing them, pointing out: “It is a documented fact that more US soldiers sent to Iraq committed suicide on their return than died on the battlefield.
“Why waste our bullets or stain our swords with the blood of decapitated Americans? We’ll just scare them a bit and let the combination of crippling PTSD and near total abandonment by the very government that sent them to fight its futile wars take its natural course.
“To be honest, we are not short of enemies to fight anyway. We’ve declared war to the death on followers of all other religions and all other branches of Islam and whoever was responsible for True Detectives 2, which was an extremely disappointing follow up to the ground breaking first season.”
When The (un)Australian pointed out the series creator was an American, Al-Baghdadi said: “Oh, then we’ll strike that one off as well and just wait for some disgruntled fan to pick up their ammo from Walmart and deal with that horrific crime against Allah.
“OK, so that’s just the entire rest of the world who aren’t American left to conquer and forcibly convert to our extreme fundamentalist brand of Salafi Islam or slaughter, we’re making progress.”