Paedophile Upset That Taylor Swift’s Audience Is Mostly Clickbait Journalists

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Taylor Swift’s 1989 World Tour; an agglomeration of bright lights, songs about boys and self-empowerment, and thousands of screaming fans. It should have been a spectacle capable of making even the most hardened of cynics “shake it off”. But for Jack Reichhardt, a self-described “paedophiles’ paedophile”, Ms Swift’s recent performance at ANZ Stadium wound up being the most disappointing night of his life.

Mr Reichhardt, who asked to remain anonymous  and will therefore be referred to as “JR”, explained to the (un)Australian;  “With her inane, kid friendly style of pop music, a Taylor Swift concert should have been a real paedophile’s Christmas for me and others who practise the licentious arts.

“However, instead of walking into a sea of young, supple children, I found myself in the middle of a crowd of old, decidedly less supple, clickbait journalists.”

In contrast to the expected squealing of children excited about their first concert experience, JR found himself surrounded by adult writers for websites such as Buzzfeed, Junkee, and Upworthy, listing their “seven songs any Taylor Swift show must have” and exclaiming “Taylor Swift played Bad Blood and you’ll never guess how this fan reacted”.

In recent years, clickbait journalists have become the biggest consumers of Taylor Swift’s music, bad children’s television from the 90’s, and Harry Potter merchandise. This trend was once referred to as “arrested development”, but experts have refrained from using the term in recent years as it tends to inspire their patients to write articles about “20 times Tobias Fünke understood life better than anyone else”.

But for JR, this current trend makes it even harder to satisfy his sick, perverted urges. Trying to cut his losses, JR attempted to lure Buzzfeed editor Mark Di Stefano to his van with candy. Instead, Mr Di Stefano responded with a list of reasons why nerds are the most “epic” candy and then attempted to get JR to join his petition to get “those hipsters” at the National Australia Day Council to make Taylor Swift Australian of the Year for 2016.

Matthew Farthing is the Music Reporter for the (un)Australian. His predictions for “bands set to break through in 2016” compiles every band you’ll never hear of again into one, easy to ignore article.

https://twitter.com/MattJFarthing

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