Presidential candidate Donald Trump is reportedly still alive and well despite suffering over a million claims by something called the ‘Internet’ that it had once and for all destroyed him.
“Donald is in tip top shape and will tell you that himself after he finishes feeding his hair,” said Trump’s wife Melania from his Arizona hotel room. “This ‘Internet’ guy appears to be some kind of fantasist prone to making outlandish claims that he has destroyed my husband.”
“This ‘Internet’ appears to have a psychological profile that we call Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” said Dr Felix Cymbal, head of psychiatric studies at the University of Rhode Island. “It is characterised by a compulsive need to be noticed and insistence on telling the world how brilliant it is despite all evidence to the contrary. Like the constant claim that it has destroyed Mr Trump even though it can be easily seen that he is positively thriving.”
A posting by a young female college student that she wasn’t going to vote for Trump, a gif comparing Trump’s facial expressions to a rabid dog and many thousands of hilarious jokes about Trump having silly looking hair have all claimed to have destroyed him in recent days.
“Donald appears to have inherited the same genes as his great grandfather Freddy Kreuger and second cousin on his mother’s side Jason Vorhees,” said family friend Bill Sheargold. “No matter how many times and how violently you destroy him he’ll simply dust himself off and rise up again.”
The internet was last seen conducting a seance with the ghost of actor Donald Pleasence hoping to discover a way to destroy Trump in such a way that he won’t lie dead until everyone goes away and then suddenly open his eyes again.