NSW Governor Lachlan Macquarie has put out an urgent call to all explorers in the colony to go out and find more things he can name after himself.
“It’s about time that lazy John Oxley stopped sitting around on his fat arse and found an archipelago or a plateau he could name after me,” Macquarie grumbled as he tossed the latest bulletin from the Geographical Names Board to the floor of government house, a source close to the governor revealed to The (un)Australian. “How about an isthmus? Surely we’ve got one of those somewhere? Macquarie Isthmus, I like the sound of that.”
“He’s at me day and night to take off on another expedition with Blaxland and Lawson just so he has more stuff to name after himself,” explorer William Wentworth confirmed to the paper. “To be honest if I have to spend another night in a tent putting up with Lawson’s snoring and Blaxland cutting his toenails inside his swag I’ll freaking well scream.”
“My husband has learned his lesson from that major suckjob Arthur Phillip who got diddly squat from King George III despite naming every bloody rock and tuft of grass after that purple piss producing lunatic,” notes Lady Macquarie, speaking as she relaxes beside the harbour upon her favourite rock. “I notice they’ve just discovered some new fields located midway between the settlements of Liverpool and Campbelltown. I wonder what Lachlan intends to name them?”
Governor Macquarie hopes to have named everything in the colony after himself before he is replaced, leaving incoming governor Thomas Brisbane with nothing of note to name after himself.
[This article first appeared in The (un)Australian on August 10, 1823. It is reproduced as part of a historical series looking back on early (un)Australian articles.]
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