Lawyers representing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have begun proceedings to claim custody of the paparazzi after Jolie filed for divorce after two years of marriage.
“Brad has been mistreating the paparazzi for years by refusing to be photographed cavorting with topless models on Caribbean islands or taking out the garbage dressed only in a dirty old tracksuit,” said Jolie’s lawyer Marsha Weep. “She is going to fight for full time custody of the entire pack with Brad only allowed supervised access every second weekend in which he promises to be snapped eating a hot dog indiscreetly in the crowd at an ice hockey game.”
“I was a starving paparazzo in Guinea-Bissau with only the president of the country to take grainy long distance photographs of before Brad and Angelina adopted me,” said freelance cameraman James Djassi. “I love taking shots of them both as they lead their sullen looking kids through airports. Please don’t ask me to choose.”
Jennifer Aniston took custody of half the paparazzi following the break up of Brad Pitt’s first marriage allowing her to maintain the presence in supermarket checkout line magazines that she was accustomed to.
“By constantly swanning around the world in a scarf pretending to be concerned for underprivileged kiddies Angelina has shown just how good a custodian she can be of the paparazzi,” said Aniston as she tried to hide a tell tale baby bump. “Brad has to understand that feeding the paparazzi photos of himself smooching with a co-star is a full time job and not just something that you only do when you have some crappy new film to publicise.”