Finland Introduces Universal Basic Wage For Growly Heavy Metal Bands


Finland has become the first country in the world to trial the provision of an unconditional basic wage for all members of gravelly voiced heavy metal bands in the face of increased automation that threatens to displace the jobs of millions of shouty musicians.

“Now that machines are capable of producing the nation’s output of inexplicably popular albums of ear splitting screamy heavy metal, we as a caring society cannot abandon to dire poverty the legions of unemployed long haired musicians,” said Trent Nokia, Finland’s Minister for Social Security. “The provision of a universal basic wage will stop the streets of Helsinki filling up with incoherent pudgy blokes clad in black leather yelling at passersby for spare change.”

The universal basic growly voiced musicians wage would streamline the Finnish welfare system and give all angry sounding musicians free time to continue producing reams of threatening output.

“Sadly most of the music that used to be made by tattooed social misfits and listened to on your headphones whilst shooting up a local high school can now be produced by computer programs,” said Bobby Demon, lead singer of popular growly heavy metal band RARRRGHHHH. “Only last week I heard the lead singer of Eurovision Song Contest winning band Lordi working as a train announcer to make ends meet. My ears are bleeding and I still have no idea where that train was going.”

If Finland’s universal basic wage for growly voiced musicians is a success, other countries are expected to follow suit. Great Britain is considering instigating a universal basic wage for unemployed football hooligans.

Peter Green

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Categories: Arts

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