The Australian Greens today announced that they are considering expelling all right-handed members of the party, declaring that the party is for the left and the left alone.
A spokesperson for The Greens spoke to The (un)Australian about the proposal, saying: “For too long the world has been dominated by the right-handers and that has seeped into our lovely green utopia, but as of today that all stops.
“All members and parliamentarians must be left handed, all stationery must be left handed especially scissors, do you know how hard it is for us lefties to cut stuff out with bloody right handed scissors? Surely right-handed scissors are the work of the global corporate elite, that and hole punches I mean why do we need holes in stuff, it’s subliminal advertising for the mining industry that’s what hole punches are really for.”
Greens leader Richard Di Natale was unavailable for comment as he was busy learning to focus on the left however NSW Senator Lee Rhiannon promised a full interview as soon as she was out of surgery after deciding to have her right arm removed.
The Greens are expected to vote on the proposal 6 days after the next full moon, when they will gather for a combined party meeting and drum circle.