One More War Then We’ll Quit

On November 11, Remembrance Day, Prime Minister Tony Abbott has announced that Australia’s Special Forces well be entering Iraq, but “this is the last time, we swear.”

Remembrance Day is a memorial day observed by Commonwealth Nations, to commemorate the signing of the armistice that signified the end of the First World War, also known as “the war to end all wars”, a promise to quit that humanity has had trouble keeping, since waking up groggy from its war binge and seeing the mess it had strewn across Europe.

Humanity managed to keep its initial promise for scant months before the Lithuanian War of Independence in 1919, but it was the Second World War, which humanity dove into like a dieter going face first into a “shame” cake, that caused humanity to rethink quitting cold turkey. Clearly it did not have the will power to just stop partaking in war, despite constant exclamations that humanity could “quit any time”. Humanity has since followed a regiment of occasional warring, while, supplementing its destruction cravings with economic downturns, class “warfare” and heavy metal music, none of which have managed to cure the jonesing for just “one more, really good war”.

While humanity has struggled with its resolution to “end war”, it is this reporter’s opinion that it is within our grasp, if you just let us have one more really good war. One final mass killing of our fellow human beings and any animals that are lucky enough to be under our dominion, and I know we can quit for good. Iraq is more of a military action than a war, anyway, so it doesn’t count. And it’s unfair that Russia gets to flex its military muscle in Eastern Europe, so if they’re going to have war we should be able to have just one more war too. After that we’ll be able to quit. Well, maybe after showing Iran who’s boss.

Author: Matthew Farthing


Categories: Opinion, Politics, World

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