Decked in a dark red coat and white-cuffed trousers, Cory Bernardi was spotted flying over roof tops delivering presents to all the good boys and girls.
Flown by six white boomers, Bernardi could be seen making a list and checking it twice to make sure that he had the correct genders of the children he would be giving gifts to.
Well-behaved boys woke up to find trucks and hammers stuffed into their “Bernardi Stockings” and lucky girls woke up to find ironing boards and washing baskets.
“Let children be children,” Saint Bernardi could be heard yelling from the rooftops. “Boys are boys and girls are girls. Ho ho ho!”
Legend has it that the good senator started delivering presents to children after becoming offended at the suggestion that gender-specific presents imbue gender stereotypes on children from a young age. Kids awoke to find gender-unspecific Lego sets smashed to pieces and their rooms painted either blue or pink.
Parents also found their eggnog stash poured into the sink. According to Father Bernardi, consuming too much eggnog robs you of common sense. Cory Bernardi, who runs on a campaign of “common sense government” is famous for never drinking more than an appropriate amount of eggnog.
Before being visited by the jolly South Australian, four-year-old Nicholas Grant had dreams of becoming a chef when he grew up. Wanting an Easy Bake Oven, Senator Bernardi instead gifted him with a far more gender appropriate hammer.
“Mr Bernardi has taught me some common sense politics,” the four-year old told The (un)Australian with the articulateness of a 27-year-old man. “Cooking is for women. I need to focus on a male career, like being a builder or a whack-a-mole attendant.”
Matthew Farthing is the Canberra Correspondent for The (un)Australian. He was once called before ICAC due to his business relationship with Joe Tripodi. Follow him on Twitter.