A source in Heaven has told The (un)Australian that God has finally declared that, once and for all, He has “totally had it” with humanity after hearing of the new craze featuring hipsters wearing Christmas “baubles” attached to their carefully stylised beards.

“We tried to keep the news from the Lord Almighty for as long as we could,” the source said. “We knew it would upset Him, as He’s been on edge ever since hearing of the ‘flower beard’ and ‘lumbersexual’ trends earlier this year.

“But in the end, we couldn’t keep our Father in Heaven off Buzzfeed forever.”

The source said that after coming across a fully illustrated piece on beard baubles, “The Almighty went deathly pale and was silent for fully five minutes before He finally stormed from the room”.

“The Lord stormed back in less than a minute later in a rage, shouting about how ‘I’ve put up with so much shit from these fuckers! I’ve put up with endless wars, racial violence and even so-called “music” videos by a middle-aged man who calls himself “Redfoo” for fuck’s sake!’

“’And now this! Who the fuck do these dickheads think they are? I gave them everything, I gave them my own fucking son! But I did not create this goddamn planet for some hipster pricks to attach goddamn Christmas tree decorations to their goddamn facial hair!’”

The source said the Good Lord kept insisting: “That is it! I’m done! I am finished with these fucking humans!”

When asked how God planned to end humanity, whether via a new flood or possibly a range of previously unheard of plagues, the source said: “Well, no, God just said, ‘Fuck them, let them deal with the consequences of their own anthropogenic climate change! I give ‘em a matter of decades by themselves’, before He buggered off to the pub.”

Carlo Sands

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Categories: News

Tags: beard baubles, Carlo Sands, god, Hipsters