Anna Cleveland, a 16-year-old high school student from Manly on Sydney’s north shore, was entirely correct to shout “I wish I had never been born!” at her parents before storming into her bedroom and slamming the door, climate scientists said today.
Cleveland’s strongly worded expression of regret at being given life came after her parents yesterday refused to grant her permission to go to a weekend party at her friend’s central coast holiday home on the grounds there would be no adult supervision.
A spokesperson from the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) told The (un)Australian Cleveland’s sentiment matched growing evidence that potentially irreversible climate change was well underway.
“There is no question Anna’s wish has science on its side,” IPCC spokesperson Professor Jane Goodnews said. “Combined with the unprecedented mass extinction of species underway, the latest news of Antarctic ice melting faster than feared and new methane blowholes discovered in Siberia indicates the coming decades will likely be marked by worsening extreme weather, rising sea levels and massive food, energy and water shortages.
“That is, of course, unless there is decisive action to reduce carbon emissions, but with the latest UN climate talks failing to secure the type of urgent action required, I’d say Anna is quite right to express some pessimism towards her life prospects.”
Sources say Cleveland was desperate to attend the party as “hella hot” year 12 student Evan McBrody, who she’d been “majorly crushing on”, was expected to be present. Goodnews agreed such urgency was warranted given the holiday house was surrounded by bush, meaning with a future of more frequent and powerful bush fires would make the area increasingly dangerous to visit.
Cleveland spent the entire night locked in her room, sources say, posting sad-looking selfies to her Tumblr blog with captions reading “Sooooo unfair”.
Goodnews noted this was quite similar to the sentiments expressed by the Filipino poor after 2013’s unprecedentedly powerful Super-typhoon Yolanda devastated their country, killing thousands, despite the fact that, like billions of the poor across the Third World, they had contributed almost nothing to the climate crisis.
Sources say that, much as communities across the Philippines’ Visayas island were still rebuilding from Yolanda, Cleveland, who had reluctantly emerged for breakfast this morning, was still sulking over her cornflakes.