Tasmanian Senator Jacqui Lambie has wowed critics this morning and proven to the press gallery once again that she should not be underestimated. In a startling move described by observers as “positively Prime Ministerial” the former Australian Army Corporal bit the head off a barramundi before devouring the uncooked 160cm creature – skin and all – in less than four bites. The extraordinary display was witnessed by photographers, a sound recordist who is now undergoing counseling as well as several of Ms Lambie’s senate colleagues.
South Australian Senator Nick Xenophon told The (un) Australian he had to take a step back when she blew a kiss and the bones fanned out through her teeth like “a cross between a fountain and a fireworks display” and landed neatly on the lawn in the shape of Tasmania. “She could’ve taken someone’s eye out!” Claimed the rattled, yet clearly impressed independent.
Senator Lambie has denied this morning’s performance was a tilt at becoming Australia’s first independent Prime Minister despite not having been asked the question due to the constitutional impossibility. Repeated attempts by The (un) Australian to explain the two party system and the role of the House of Representatives were unsuccessful and Senator Lambie insisted one-upping the Prime Minister with food challenges, dog whistling, and talking rubbish should “in no way be contused(sic)” with a plan to “run the joint”.