The most boring man in Erskineville died from the 36 stab wounds he received at The Erko on Thursday night after repeatedly attempting to get plaudits for his annual Good Friday joke[sic]. There were up to 200 people in the main bar at the time but police say there were no witnesses and they are not treating it as suspicious.
The victim strayed from his usual routine of decrying “hipsters” and the proliferation of craft beer at the expense of “honest frothies like Fosters – which you can’t get anymore which is a shame because people from overseas come here looking for it and all we have to give ‘em is this weak wanker piss from wanker breweries in Wanksville” and moved onto the topic of pubs closing on the Friday before Easter.
A drinker who may or may not be familiar with the hotel in Sydney’s inner west and who spoke to The (un) Australian on the condition of anonymity, said the victim’s first attempt at the quip was met with polite nods of recognition and even a “wan smile”. The other drinkers’ patience was “tested” however, when he appeared to be under the impression it was a lack of volume rather than wit that was limiting his potential for acclaim.
After repeating the line 35 times, our anonymous source-on-the-sauce claimed the tedious twerp was dared to say it again, accepted the challenge and “in an astonishing coincidence” ended up outside on the footpath, bleeding profusely from 36 gaping wounds.
A coronial inquest has been cancelled due to lack of interest.