Royal Commission Shocked To Find Entirely Abuse-Free Private School


Revelations include shocking evidence the school turns out well-rounded graduates with high self-esteem.

The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse has been rocked by allegations an exclusive boarding school operated for more than 100 years without physically or psychologically harming any of the children in its care.

The name of the college is the subject of a suppression order, which was requested in an effort to limit the damage to its reputation. The school has long boasted of its “traditional values” and “old-fashioned morality” despite mounting evidence to the contrary and a consistent pattern of well-rounded graduates with high levels of self-esteem and bright futures.

The trustees are in crisis talks and stunned parents have even begun to remove their children from classes. “We’re not sure how we will be able to pay the fees now,” confessed a mother of four, “we borrowed against the house with the intention of recouping the money from a massive damages payout in a few years time. We’ll have to rethink university and everything after this.”

The Royal Commission heard the headmaster was only doing what he thought was right and mistakenly assumed all principals maintained safe environments for children. The hearings continue.

Tim Govers

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