Popular science guru Karl Kruszelnicki says he will give away his entire wardrobe after admitting“deep regret” for his crimes against fashion.
Dr Kruszelnicki said he’d copped a backlash from people who had until recently managed to avoid his near saturation of the media. Despite appearing on everything from Triple J radio, ABC TV, real television and the fun[sic] part of the Dymocks reference section, many people were yet to encounter his rude attire at all until he fronted a government propaganda campaign they disagreed with.
Rival science broadcasters approached by The (un)Australian for this hatchet job warn Dr Karl’s brightly patterned shirts, which are often teamed with chinos in loud primary colours, present a “biiiiiiiig problem”.
Using unnecessarily elaborate hand gestures and speaking with an excruciatingly slow metre, one educated hippy who has yet to decide on a groovy moniker said there is now conclusive evidence that exposure to more than a micro-sleep’s worth of Dr Karl could react with saline tears to produce small amounts of sulfuric acid, which is extremely irritating to eyeballs and lids and stimulates the production of more tears.
“Just like cutting onions,” he said before tap dancing and producing a lint bunny from a belly button.
Dr Karl is yet to decide on a recipient for his largesse. The Salvation Army, Lifeline, the St Vincent DePaul Society and the people of Vanuatu have asked the Australian government for a guarantee of emergency assistance in the event their worst fears are realised.
Tim Govers
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