Cody Simpson Replaces Zayn Malik As Fifth Member Of One Direction

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Gold Coast pop sensation and anti-vaccination campaigner Cody Simpson has been unveiled as the fifth member of One Direction. Founding member of the band, Zayn Malik, was forced to leave the group earlier this month after exhibiting behavioural traits conducive to that of a popular musician, thus paving the way for Simpson’s entry into the band.

According to One Direction producer Simon Cowell, Simpson’s boyish good looks, asinine lyrics and aversion to medical science will possess enormous appeal to the refined, intellectual target demographic of the group.

Despite Cowell’s enthusiasm, Simpson’s inclusion has been met with scepticism in some corners. There are concerns that Simpson’s appeal is too similar to that of founding member Niall Horan.

Boyband expert Louis Walsh told The (un)Australian: “Having one blonde kid who always wears a vacant facial expression and sings off key is great for adding a bit texture and variation to the group, but when you have two of them it becomes a problem.”

In Australia, however, the announcement is being hailed as the greatest musical triumph since our induction into the Eurovision Song Contest in February.

 

Nathan Lentern
https://twitter.com/nlentern1

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Categories: Arts

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