Australian Surgeons Perform World’s First Halal Certified Heart Transplant


A team of surgeons at the Royal Children’s Hospital in Melbourne have successfully completed the world’s first halal certified heart transplant.

This procedure has traditionally been too difficult perform, as to certify any heart halal, the donor must have been killed by using a very sharp knife to cut the neck, while leaving the spinal chord intact.

Luckily for little Anjem Abdur (9), Melbourne’s notorious “Knife-throat” killer continues to evade the law.

The success of the operation is promising news not just for the hundreds of Muslims on waiting lists in Australia, but less importantly, for Muslims around the world.

The news, however, has upset residents closer to home.

“There’s no way I’m putting a terrorist heart in my body.” said Kirralie Nile, an anti-Halal campaigner and sufferer of severe coronary artery disease. Ms Nile recently pulled herself off the transplant list as part of her boycott of Halal products.

Ms Nile urged what she called “normal, everyday Australians” to fight back against Halal heart surgery, labeling it a “stealth jihad”. As is common for people who don’t understand what they’re talking about, she paraphrased Pastor Martin Niemöller;

“First they came for the food, and I did not speak out – Because I do not eat food.

Then they came for the heart transplants, and I did not speak out – Because I live a heart smart diet.”

While doctors stressed that the procedure would have no effect on non-Muslim Australians, Ms Nile remains unconvinced.

“Halal certification funds terrorism. Is it a coincidence that Halal certification is more popular than ever and ISIS has so much money?”

“No, it’s not.” she clarified, answering her own rhetorical question.

Matthew Farthing is the political reporter for The (un)Australian. Queensland premier Annastacia Palaszczuk sacked him from the Labor Party after he revealed his past involvement in the Russell Street bombing.

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