Every month The (un)Australian brings you a round-up of everything you need to know about music from the only staff member who DJs under the name ‘Louis Seekae’.
Calvin Johnson Ruined Jeans For An Entire Generation –
K Records founder and all round “elitist little fuck” Calvin Johnson has put a bunch of his “vintage ‘80s punk Levi’s jeans” up for action on Ebay. Fans of the seminal Beat Happening will be able to own a pair of the lead singer’s jeans providing they make enough in tips at Starbucks that week. The jeans are expected to raise as much as several dollars. The move has been seen as symbolic by some, as a lot like Calvin’s music, Levi’s also appear to have been made by children.
I Just Flew In From California And Boy Are My Arms The Subject Of Debate For Some Reason –
Two months after shortcutting her way to performing stand-up comedy on The Tonight Show by maintaining cultural relevance for 30 years, Madonna has pulled the knife out of comedy’s lifeless torso and has returned to finish off music.
Debuting new single Bitch I’m Madonna with a star-studded film clip including Kanye West, Miley Cyrus, Nick Minaj, and Madge herself, the music video is a technical achievement with how it manages to fit all that ego in one room. Co-produced by Diplo and SOPHIE, Bitch I’m Madonna is sure to make a lot of money for iHeartMedia with the amount of payola they’ll receive to make this song seem popular.
Have You Any Dreams You’d Like To Sell? –
DIIV will reenact someone’s dreams in exchange for a $10,000 donation to Houseworld. Houseworld describes themselves as an “immersive theater performance” that takes audience members through a historic Brooklyn property, interacting with characters who “each represent a different facet of the human psyche.” Somehow they remain clueless as to why they don’t make any money.
DIIV’s mastermind, Zachary Cole Smith has drawn comparisons between himself and Kurt Cobain, though mostly via their shared heroin track marks. If you’re confused as to what the money will buy you, effectively you’re spending $10,000 to watch the drummer slowly strangle the life out of Zachary Cole Smith with his own guitar cord, just like you dreamed after being forced to listen Oshiin
You Know It Seems To Me They Give Bands Now-A-Days Very Peculiar Names –
“Any music news today, Mr Farthing?”
Yes bassist Chris Squire has passed away.
“Oh that’s sad. Can you tell me which band did he play for?”
“Uh huh… so in that case, can you please tell me?”
“Can you stop asserting the affirmative and just tell me which band Chris Squire played in?”
Chris Squire played in the band Yes.
“Whoa, he played bass in The Band”
“Fine! Never mind! What did he die of?”
A lonely heart.
Genetically Modified Harvest –
Neil Young has released his new protest album, The Monsanto Years. The album is critical of a large number of corporations, including Starbucks, Walmart, and surprisingly, Monsanto. In a public release, Monsanto responded to Young’s criticism by stating “we always liked Stephen Stills more, anyway”.
Speaking of genetic modifications, Donald Trump’s hair, as well as the rest of the billionaire, have come under criticism from Young’s camp for using the singer’s Keep On Rocking In The Free World.
Album Of The Month: Jamie xx’s In Colour –
I was not crying out for a new The xx album. At least that was the case until the release of Jamie xx’s In Colour revealed that Jamie Smith’s fellow band members were the chains and cement blocks keeping the record producer submerged, the same way the Mafia’s victims can’t release shitty solo albums.
Jamie xx revels in dry, British humour, most evidently demonstrated by calling the album In Colour when a whiter album hasn’t been released since UB40’s Labour Of Love. The album is so conservative and sexless, it’s become the spokesperson for a new pro-abstinence campaign. The album is so conservative and sexless, after hearing the album, Sarah Palin slapped Bristol on the back of the head and asked “why can’t you be more like that?”
The album is so conservative and sexless, Lindsay Graham has announced In Colour as a potential running mate should he receive the Republican nomination. The album is so conservative and sexless, In Colour was the originator of the “gamergate” movement. The album is so conservative and sexless, Chris Kenny often retweets In Colour on twitter.
The album is so conservative and sexless, there are rumours about why In Colour was arrested in a Soho public bathroom during the late 80s. I could go on and on and on, a lot like this album. 2 out of 5.
Matthew Farthing is the music writer for the (un)Australian. He often writes about music under a female pseudonym, just so he can get Mark Kozelek to talk about him.