A directive by the Abbott government banning the Clean Energy Finance Corporation (CEFC) from investing in existing wind technology will also now apply to the ozone layer.
“It is our long term policy to abolish the Clean Energy Finance Corporation,” said Mr Abbott standing outside a giant can of 80s hairspray whilst licking some coal, Ariana Grande-style. “We believe that if we can’t at least shut down the corporation, it should be investing only in new and exciting technologies.
“The ozone layer is millions of years old. If it can’t operate without government assistance now, it shouldn’t operate at all.”
The ozone layer is reported to be devastated and was seen yesterday afternoon having chai with the Commissioner for Wind in Glebe.
“This is a government which supports renewables,” said the Prime Minister as his nose continued to grow past reporters. “But obviously, only if it doesn’t impact on cutting back power prices. We want to keep power prices as low as possible.”
It is believed that power costs will be significantly reduced when the ozone is switched off as most people will be able to cook their meals on their hands instead of their stoves.
“Australians have the right to access cheap energy prices and not to be half baked,” said the Prime Minister applying some asbestos cream. “They deserved to be baked off their faces for as little cost as possible.”
The Prime Minister would not respond to rumours he may ban the wind next, other than to remark: “Well, wind has been around for a long time. It shouldn’t rely on government handouts to continue.”
He then ended the press conference and left in a ball of hairspray.