Earth Conducts Flyby Shooting Of Pluto To Show Other Planets Who’s Boss


The spacecraft New Horizons has riddled the surface of Pluto with bullets in an effort designed to keep some of the more ambitious planets of the solar system in line.

“Sometimes a show of strength is needed to let everyone know who the biggest and meanest dog is in the neighbourhood,” said Earth yesterday as it cruised around its orbit. “Some of the other planets need reminding that we’re the only planet with animals, a breathable atmosphere and advanced technology like smart phones, vinyl records and vegetable juicers. Yes, we’re talking about you Mars.”

“I think Earth got a bit spooked because I’ve been hanging around with Jupiter recently,” said Venus as it rose in the early night sky looking for UFO nuts to mess around with. “Earth has been trying to copy my whole greenhouse effect look for decades because its own look is a bit lame.”

Data from New Horizons suggests that Pluto is thirty kilometres wider than previously thought. The weight gain has been put down to anxiety eating caused by Pluto’s demotion from planet to dwarf planet.

“I’m running scared and may have to take my orbit behind Neptune’s for a few years until things calm down,” said a worried Pluto. “Earth is putting pictures of me on the internet without my permission and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

Peter Green

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