Australia’s uncles are today celebrating regaining stewardship of the word “avuncular” following the resignation from parliament of former treasurer Joe Hockey.
“Ever since John Howard described Joe Hockey as ‘avuncular’ I’ve always felt my role as an uncle has been slightly tainted,” said Sydney uncle Tom Goodguy from his slightly cluttered front yard.
“Hopefully I can once again be proud of being a genial, slightly paunchy guy who smells of tobacco and uses outdated slang terms like ‘sheila’ and ‘lovebird’.”
“All we want is kiddies to hear the word ‘avuncular’ and think about a huggable bloke who takes you fishing and tells off colour jokes and slips you two dollar coins when your mum isn’t watching,” said Wiley Park uncle Jack Awesome.
“Not some pillock who sneers at you for not having a car and thinks you should be put in a sack and drowned if you’re not a millionaire with half a dozen investment properties.”
After sleeping in till ten and having a breakfast chocolate milk on top of Froot Loops, Australia’s uncles will celebrate their recapture of avuncularness by spending the day splitting their time between beers at the RSL club and betting on the ponies at the TAB.
“I’d actually like to apologise to Australia’s uncles myself for abusing the honoured title of ‘avuncular’,” said a tearful Hockey as he stepped onto the plane. “I intend to make amends by allowing my suits to get slightly grubbier and teaching you all the words to some bluer versions of popular songs.
“And I’m going to quit the posh cigars and go back to smoking rollies.”