Bill Shorten Tipped To Knife Himself After Disastrous Polling


Opposition leader Bill Shorten, a man who lists the musical Sweeney Todd as his greatest inspiration, is rumoured to be pondering the idea of knifing himself as leader of the Australian Labor Party (ALP) and replacing himself, bizarrely, with himself.

The rumour gained steam last week following a poll in which nine out of every 10 Australians declared they would love Malcolm Turnbull to be their “Daddy”. The same poll also found nine out of every 10 Australians wouldn’t trust Bill Shorten with a knife.

A Labor party insider spoke to The (un)Australian about the rumor, saying: “Look where there’s smoke there’s fire and in this case it makes total sense for Bill to knife himself and replace himself with himself, I mean think of the advantages. When you change a leader you get a boost in polls and when it comes to knifing someone nobody is more experienced than Bill.”

When questioned on why Mr Shorten would replace himself with himself, the insider replied: “Well who else is there? I mean Albo’s a top bloke but he drinks beer brewed in a micro-brewery, how can we sell that to the VB loving loving blokes on the docks?”

The Liberal Party was unavailable for comment, however a source did say that they have offered to chip in to buy Mr Shorten a knife.

Mark Williamson


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Categories: Politics

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