Western Society has confirmed that once again it intends to chuck centuries of musical accomplishment out the window and spend the next two months assaulting the world with nothing but freaking Christmas carols.
“If you go out anywhere in a public place between now and December the 26th don’t expect to hear the sublime beauty of Mozart, the soaring harmonies of Lennon and McCartney or the playful tunefulness of a Strauss waltz,” warned Western Society as it carefully pruned a bush on its front lawn into the shape of a reindeer. “Do, however, brace yourself for endless repetitions of Santa Baby, All I want For Christmas Is You and if I’m feeling saucily multicultural, lashings of Felice Navidad and that calypso version of Mary’s Boy Child.”
“Even I’d vote for the Taliban if it meant never having to listen to Walking In A Winter Wonderland ever again”, stated Fred Necktat, president of white supremacist group the Boganian People’s Front. “My staunch opposition to all things Islamic starts to wilt when I realise that if ISIS takes over the country, I’ll never be stuck in a Westfields hearing Jingle Bell Rock again and again and again.”
Lifeline is expected to double its number of telephone operators during November and December, mainly to deal with shopping mall employees threatening to throw themselves off a cliff rather than hear Have Yourself Merry Little Christmas one more time.
“I’m well aware that The Pretenders and The Pogues have albums and albums full of great songs, but you’re deluding yourself if you think I’ll be giving time of day to anything other than 2000 Miles and Fairytale Of New York over the upcoming weeks of torture,” snickered Western Society. “I hate people and everything they stand for.”
Lifeline 13 11 14; Mensline 1300 789 978; Kids Helpline 1800 551 800; If I Ding Dong Merrily On High Comes On I’m Going Home To Get My Shotgun 555 123 456.