“I had no idea who I was supposed to be hysterically hating and completely lost touch with the antics of the world’s kittens,” said Ramsgate dental receptionist Emily Retweet. “Worst of all for part of the time I was at my nanna’s house and had to pay attention to the boring analogue conversation she and my mum were having. Like sad face and everything but who gives a fuck about great uncle Greg and his stupid prostate.”
Elsewhere in the nation there were reports of meals congealing and going cold waiting to be photographed and put on Instagram, bystanders actually intervening in savage beatings rather than standing back and filming it, and a seventy per cent reduction in pedestrians accidentally shuffling into each other as they walked down the street.
“OMG what is going on outside the window of the train as I commute to work is even less interesting than I ever imagined it to be,” said shuddering Doll’s Point gaming reviewer Mitchell Frownyface. “Hopefully the people who live beside the railway line can do something about their god foresakenly boring backyards before the next time Telstra is out, or I’m going to be forced to come up with some pretty sarcastic tweets.”
Telstra has apologised for the outage and has promised a full day where memes of minions pasted next to banal philosophical thoughts can be shared free of charge as compensation to all affected customers.