Chilcot Report Finds PM Hugh Grant Acted Heroically In ‘Love Actually’


After seven years of investigation and 2.6 million words, the Chilcot Report has concluded British Prime Minister Hugh Grant acted with massive cojones in standing up to sleazy American President Billy Bob Thornton in that scene in the 2003 romantic comedy Love Actually.

“After watching the movie several thousand times, reviewing unclassified copies of the script and intensive analysis of those ads where they interview people on the way out of the movie, I conclude that Hugh Grant’s character displayed tremendous pluck and fortitude,” wrote Sir John Chilcot in the conclusion of his 12-volume report into Britain’s involvement in the Iraq war.

“I was moved by his stirring rejection of the President’s desire for him to commit British forces to join him in the invasion, even though I suspect he was motivated more by his anger that POTUS had tried to shag that intern he liked rather than any deeper analysis of the broader geopolitical implications of the decision.”

Chilcot also reported that he thought Colin Firth’s relationship with that Italian girl probably wouldn’t last because it wasn’t based on any meaningful communication between the two partners, that the guy who made all those videos of Keira Knightley was a bit of a creepy stalker and she should take out some kind of AVO, and that Emma Thompson should have been happier with the lovely CD her husband bought her for Christmas.

“I’m relieved that the report recommends no charges be brought against Rowan Atkinson for his despicable overacting in the shop counter scene,” said former PM Tony Blair. “I don’t care much for the movie myself, because I don’t believe for a second that the British leader would ever agree to do anything evil just because the American President butters him up a bit.”

Peter Green

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Categories: Politics

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