The release of a video from 2005 showing the presidential candidate making lewd remarks about women is the straw that broke the camel’s back in making America’s last undecided douche throw his support behind Donald Trump.
“Incredible as it may seem Trumps racist remarks about Mexicans and Muslims, his mocking of a disabled journalist, his scummy business practices, congenital lying, creepy children, admiration of Putin and Kim Jong Un, shitty hair, absolute ignorance and general all around sleaziness hadn’t been enough to earn my vote,” admitted New Jersey douche Chad Hendricks. “But all this talk about grabbing women by the pussy has been a real wake up call. This is so the dude I want to see in the White House.”
Whilst the latest polls show Trump losing women voters at a precipitous rate, his support amongst douches has risen slightly from 99.999% to a solid 100%.
“I was honestly starting to think there was nothing that Donald could possibly do that would win over that last rusted off douche,” said Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. “Rape allegations, threatening violence against Hillary, links to the KKK, not paying taxes; we’ve thrown everything we can towards the douche demographic and still had to wait till now to finally rope them all in.”
Hendricks intends celebrating his newfound affiliation to the Trump campaign by treating himself to a new singlet and big silver necklace, and changing the personalised number plate on his black SUV to read DU5H4DT.