The Reptillians have admitted that for a shadowy organisation that controls the world it could have selected a much better candidate for President than Hillary Clinton.
“With the entire resources of the United Nations at our disposal and the ability to have anyone killed and make it look like an accident you’d think we’d have been able to get behind someone a little less lacklustre,” said Sir Prince Phillip, head of the Reptillians. “You have to question our overall ability to run a secret one world government when we can’t even get Bernie Sanders into the White House which was our original ambition.”
“Our whole agenda of keeping the earth’s climate at the right temperature to incubate our eggs is being jeopardised due to Hillary’s lack of charisma,” said Pope Francis as he snacked on a live rat whilst relaxing in his lizard form. “I blame those stupid Rothschilds. I wouldn’t trust them to run a chook raffle let alone an all encompassing conspiracy to enslave humanity for the ultimate harvesting of all that yummy protein.”
The primaries saw a splintering of the Reptillian vote with the round earthers getting behind Martin O’Malley, the pro vaxxers putting their support behind Tim Kaine and the sheeple getting solidly behind Hillary.
“I’m starting to suspect that this vast terrifying reptile/jewish cartel that I’ve been warning people about on the internet for decades is really a bit lame,” said disappointed conspiracy blogger Brian Kerr from the granny flat behind his mum’s house. “Can the Reptillians regroup after this debacle and field a better candidate in 2020? I hope so. Methinks the lizards should have spent less time on the jet trails and more time on the campaign trail.”