The Coalition has brought back conscription to fight against the forces of the ABC, Fairfax and the Guardian in the Culture War.
“We simply haven’t got enough enlisted cultural warriors to write derangedly psychopathic opinion pieces in the Herald Sun,” said Defence Minister Marise Payne. “There is an existential threat to our point of view and we simply need more frontline soldiers writing letters to the editor praising Piers Akerman for standing up alone against the ferals and the greenies.”
“Did we learn no lessons at all from the History Wars,” said despairing anti-war campaigner Deirdre Richmond. “A whole generation of media commentators left shattered with post Daily Telegraph stress disorder (PDTSD) from trying to fight the black armband view of Australian history.”
If the marble with their birth date on it is drawn from the ballot Australian nineteen year olds will have to do a full year’s national service, beginning with boot camp at Puckapunyal learning how to phone in to Ray Hadley bemoaning how Play School should stop normalising lesbian parents.
“I can see a future where veterans of the Culture War are marching proudly on Anzac Day and then gathering in the pubs with their comrades telling stories about the long articles they wrote for Quadrant,” said RSL spokesperson Graeme “Digger” Connolly. “Draftees may be given dangerous work behind enemy lines like Chris Uhlmann at the ABC. We’ll be looking into granting conscientious objector status for those who only read the sports section of the Age.”