CIA Assassinates Castro With Ingenious “Die Of Old Age” Plot


After 600 disastrous attempts to kill him such as blowing him up with exploding cigars and boring him to death with Michael Moore, the CIA has finally succeeded in assassinating Cuban leader Fidel Castro by the devious method of letting him die of old age.

“We decided that if we waited long enough his own body would eventually uprise and mount a revolution against him,” said Felix Leiter, the CIA’s head of assassinating guys it doesn’t like the look of division. “We encouraged the protein-teriate responsible for repairing his telomeres to overthrow his corrupted chromosomes, leading to cellular death.”

Previous plots to overthrow Castro included trying to make him die of jealousy by ensuring sales of cool looking Che Guevara tee shirts always outsold his own, hoping his own ears would strangle him rather than listen to another concert of iyiyi music from the Bueno Vista Social Club, and leaving random banana skins lying around on the streets of Havana.

“Let this be a warning to any other world leader who defies the might of the US intelligence services that we’re coming to get you,” said CIA killer Jason Bourne. “It may take us fifty years or more but be assured your days are numbered.”

Peter Green

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